A new craze is sweeping the village, a game only a select few are able to take part in, and this game is called “Hide and Shop”. In recent weeks it has come to the attention of the Daily that there’s a new mentality of “probably can pay, but nay, get ta fuck I ain’t gonna pay” mentality sweeping the village. And it’s left a few people a bit pissed off, a few people absolutely smashing it in the unofficial “Hide and Shop Premier League”, and one poor fucker almost losing the shirt off their back and having to resort to begging outside the Coop to survive.
The game rules are pretty simple:
- Identify a mark
- Get them to do some work for you or something, or just get them to lend you the money for your next bag of piss poor quality Medellin Talcum Powder.
- Promise that you’ll pay them back by a certain date.
- Don’t fucking bother.
At this point, the starting gun is fired on the game:
- Every time you see them in the Coop, hide, and just pray to the Gods of Unholy Shitterhousery that they don’t spot you. If they do, you have to pay them and the game is over.
- If you avoid them, live to fight another day, or should we say, live to owe another day.
- Report the near miss to the unofficial league using their online “Fuck me, that was close, I nearly had to pay the fucker back” form.
- Live to fight another day and go about your existence happy in the knowledge that you are one hardcore, money owing, mofo.
Don’t worry if you’re spotted by the person you owe the money to outside of the Coop; when they approach you for the money, just utter some piss poor excuse along the lines of: “Oooo has it been that long? I’ll see what I can do next week”, “I can’t pay you till I get my winnings from this year’s Richard Gere lookalike contest I’ve won again”, “Eh, what the fuck do you mean I had to pay it back?”. Basically, just come out with any old shit till they fuck off and leave you alone. Then carry on about your day, maybe booking a holiday in Bali or something, oblivious to the fact the person you owe the money to has resorted to using foodbanks and giving five quid hand jobs to anyone who fancies one behind the bowling green hut in the park, just to keep the wolf from the door.
Local village Blur Fan Club Chairman Fly Ganagan, had this to say about the game:
“I’ll fucking tell you what it is r kid, them fucking lemons need to pay their dues. Dues, dues, get me some booze. Blur are shit. That Albarn, I bet he owes money, the Tory bastard, I’ll slap that fucking nipple if I ever see him. But, in all seriousness, all I can say to those people chasing money, don’t give up on your dream of getting paid, ya gotta roll with it, don’t look back in anger, blah blah fucking blah”, he then turned round and sauntered off playing a pair of maracas, doing that stupid strut walk, like a demented chicken that’s just sharted. He almost got taken to heaven by the 697, but skilfully avoided it.
Rick Glenry, the Carlsberg of Denholme, as he’s probably the hardest person the village has ever seen had the following to say to us:
“I’ll tell you what it is, never a lender nor borrower be. And if you do borrow money/ get people to do stuff for you, for fuck’s sake pay it back/ pay them when you say you’re going to. I mean I’m all for this game, sounds fucking class, but really, it isn’t, it’s utter bollocks not paying people back. However, I’ll fucking tell you what, I’m not paying for that fucking fence that fell down when my cat sneezed on it, you can FUCK RIGHT OFF!”. Glenry then told us he was off to the park to fight a few dogs as he’s hard as fuck.
The International Red Cross and UNICEF have also waded into the debate about the morality of borrowing money and not paying it back. It is believed they are concerned for the welfare of the poor fucker who lost the shirt off their back when some ballbag decided not to repay the money they’d borrowed to buy a big fuck off bag of Chob to shove up their hooter, and have decided to send them an aid packet of 8 cans of Oranjeboom, a bag of skunk and a fresh pair of undies.
More as we get more…..
This weeks choice tune is “Flowers” by The Charlatans:
“Time traveller? Seriously? Good God man, have the villagers finally got their hands on some grade A “Blow”, not the usual shit cut with Ajax that leaves your inner nose looking as if you’ve had a cheese grater up there for half an hour on max speed? Fcuking Time Traveller Shmime Babbeler. It’s a Banksy, we all know it. It’s controversial, it’s current and it’s in our village! We should be making a meal out of this! Far too long have tourists bypassed out great village to go visit Haworth. I mean, what’s that about? A load of writers who died hundreds of years ago, who wrote, let’s be honest, tripe. Hardly like your noble publication, a hard hitting, truth telling piece of enlightenment in a very dark world.”
The good folk of Greater Denholme, woke this morning to confusion when a rumour flew around that none other than the famous American actor, Richard Gear was living somewhere in the village.
To the left is the only know surviving etching of Sir Rod as he came ashore in 1066, swearing to slaughter all the “English Cock Sucking Shmuckos”. According to the Domesday Book, Sir Rod did do this for an hour or two, and was then seen galloping north shouting about “Finding the shit!”. As his reward, King William gave Sir Rod the lands of Denholme and Cullingworth, although he subsequently lost Cullingworth in a game of Buckaroo to Sir Mongy of Manywells. Sir Rod swore that day never to rest till he reclaimed his lands. 
The Denholme Daily 