Denholme Cricket Club were reeling this morning after an overnight exodus of players following a visit to the club by a mysterious figure, described by one player as “Moses, the man himself.”

At last night’s well attended AGM, halfway through proceedings, a darkness descended on the packed room and what witnesses described as a “burning bush” appeared on the stage in the Con Club. At the same time, a mysterious figure walked in, approached several players, whispered something in their ears and pointed in the general direction of Bingley. Once the figure had finished he hit the floor three times with his shepherd’s crook and addressed the assembled club members thus:

Oh ye disbelievers in the Gods of Cricket thy time is upon thee! A curse shall lay upon this club till my brethren can bathe freely after games and thy tea tent doth resemble the Hacienda of Manchester fame. This club shall struggle to pick two teams every week and should it do so, I shall force rain from the Lord to make sure no game takes place. For too long have thee sat idly by neglecting the basic hygiene issues at the club. For that thee shalt pay a high price. Each year I, Moses, Israel, son of the Lord, shall return and take between six and nine of your players until such time as my demands, which, to be fair, are not unreasonable, should be met. The Lord hath spoken, and as the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.

At this, the mysterious figure disappeared into thin air, as did the burning bush. The light in the room soon returned to normal, and all seemed fine and dandy again. However, all was not well within the meeting, and following a controversial vote, the eyes of several players were noted to glaze over, and they stood up in unison, shuffling toward the door, through it and into the night. A low noise could be heard being muttered by the departing men, and one witness told the Daily this morning:

At first it was pretty unintelligible but once they achieved a divine harmony, one such that dogs would openly howl in agony, it became apparent they were repeating the same word over and over again. It sounded like “Mongs” or “Wrongs”, it made little sense to me and before we knew it, they’d gone. This allowed us to get on with the meeting.

Another eyewitness told the Daily:

At first I thought it was Rodrigo Greenez pissing about, but no, it was Moses himself. I mean look at the photo, it was him! Who else could it have been? Santa Claus? Don’t be daft, he isn’t real, unlike God.

Many attendees of the meeting reported a sudden feeling of elation after the visit of Moses, and a sudden desire to go to Bingley. The lady behind the bar told us:

I don’t even play cricket, I think it’s moronic and shite but after that Moses bloke had been I felt the need to go play cricket in Bingley and my life would be complete. It was such an urge I woke up this morning to find Amazon outside with a bat, ball, whites, a set of pads, gloves, boots, a helmet and a bat. I also found a copy of Wisden 1997 under my bed. Weird.

The visitation of Moses didn’t make everyone happy though. A member of the recruitment committee got in touch with us earlier and had this to say:

Well, that’s that then isn’t it? How in hell are we supposed to attract new players when fcuking Moses wades in, points at Bingley and half the team get up and leave? It’s like trying to run a bath with the plug out for fcuk’s sake. I bet Denholme United don’t have this shite to deal with. Then again, they have showers, and boy do they need them, I’ve watched them, they fcuking stink. But this, this is like looking for a hammer to find that your Uncle Peter’s borrowed your toolbox again. Seriously, we’ll carry on with our mission but let’s be clear, this is a setback.

We at the Daily would like to point out at DUFC do not stink at all and are actually having a great season, mainly thanks to the goals scored by Dickie Gear and his team mate “The Midgemeister”.

The Daily would like to wish both sporting academies in the village the best of luck in their respective fields. Make Denholme proud lads!

More as we get more…