The village was in uproar this evening when it emerged that a DUFC player might be guilty of enjoying playing “Hide the Sausage” with members of the same sex.
The Daily was sent this photo anonymously earlier today and we have to say, that in all our years as investigative Roger Cook style badass reporters, we have never, EVER, seen anything as disturbing.
Don’t get us wrong, we have no issue with man love, but, as every weird rabbit/ deer statue worshiping villager is aware, man love is illegal in the village and is punishable by death. Yes, you can sleep with your mate’s birds, mothers, and in one case we heard of, grans, but under no circumstances do you try ram your pink love missile into another man’s silo. If you get caught, it’s death without trial.
A very distraught fan contacted us earlier via Whatsapp and had the following to say:
“I have watched DUFC through thick and thin, the highs, and the lows but I’m done with them. If that vile illness has crept into DUFC, you can guarantee they’re all at it. Scoring goals, touching other’s arses and kissing each other. It’s a fckuing outrage and the sooner the High Priests find out who these faggoty arsed bumboys are and deal with them the better!. My sons and daughters idolise these players and can you imagine how distraught they’ll be when they find out that not only do their heroes bang them into the back of the net every weekend, but afterwards they bang one into each other’s nets in the fcuking band room. This is probably the worst day in the history of the village. A worse day than the day the Phantom Shitter returned from Hell to wreak havoc on the village.”
Football has often had many allegations of man love within its ranks, and as can be seen opposite, on occasion some players can’t even wait till full time, losing their shit and openly fisting other players in front of packed stadia. However, in most forward thinking places, if men want to get jiggy with each other, it’s perfectly acceptable, but, as we all know, Denholme makes North Korea look like a forward thinking, liberal country by comparison, and to try get up to a bit of “pole dancing” with another bloke is considered more dangerous than playing Irish roulette, the game where you put five bullets in the gun as opposed to the more sensible Russian idea of just one bullet.
Another visibly shaken villager collared one of our intrepid team outside the Coop where he’d just finished a marathon game of Hide n Shop and had this to say:
“It should have been fcuking obvious that this lot were nancy boy, Jimmy Somerville, cock munchers. The clues have been there for years; that weird skin tight kit they wore a few years back that made them look like a gay tribute act for a fucking zebra crossing, the fact that they always warm up to “Mighty Real” by Sylvester and ALWAYS go on their pre-season tour to Brighton, where they play fcuk all football and come out of their hotel after a week walking like John Wayne once he gets off his horse to go to the saloon to kick some daft fcukers head in, simply because he’s John fcuking Wayne and he can do what he fcuking likes. I watch those fucking pansies diving round in the park and, to be brutally honest, it’s a fucking disgrace. If they offered up more on the pitch than their friggin arses they’d probably win the league every year. I’m amazed Ron Hudson Jr hasn’t secured them a sponsorship deal with Vaseline and Poppers.”
The Daily has approached the club for comment, but as of this moment, no club official has come forward to talk to us, but this is hardly surprising, as you’d have more chance of speaking to a Grandmaster of the Ku Klux Klan than a DUFC official.
The Daily would like to point out to the DUFC hierarchy that the longer you avoid us, the worse it’ll be. We’re giving you the chance to set the record straight, but based on the leaked photo, there’s nothing straight about you lot.
More as we get more…
The good folk of Greater Denholme, woke this morning to confusion when a rumour flew around that none other than the famous American actor, Richard Gear was living somewhere in the village.
To the left is the only know surviving etching of Sir Rod as he came ashore in 1066, swearing to slaughter all the “English Cock Sucking Shmuckos”. According to the Domesday Book, Sir Rod did do this for an hour or two, and was then seen galloping north shouting about “Finding the shit!”. As his reward, King William gave Sir Rod the lands of Denholme and Cullingworth, although he subsequently lost Cullingworth in a game of Buckaroo to Sir Mongy of Manywells. Sir Rod swore that day never to rest till he reclaimed his lands. 
The Denholme Daily 