Morrissey once famously sang:
Panic on the streets of London, panic on the streets of Birmingham.
Well tonight there’s panic on the streets of Denholme after it was revealed that a creature so debauched that even Satan himself cannot bear to look at it has made a timely return to the village, just in time for Halloween.
The Phantom Shitter is back! And this time he means business doing his business!
In a recent, horrendous event at the pub in Denholme that’s seen off all other pubs in the history of the village, barring the New Inn, but that’s only a matter of time; the Shitter announced its return with a new twist, not only did it leave a shit smeared claw mark on the side of the toilet, it also left its boxers behind as some sort of sinister calling card.
An unsuspecting local, who has asked for anonymity, made this discovery having gone into the cubicle to “powder their nose”, only to discover a boxer blocked shitter with a gruesome shit smear on the inside of the bowl. It appears that this is probably a claw mark as the Phantom held on for dear life as it unleashed its nuclear ass explosion. Local shitter experts are under the impression that the boxers were probably blown off in the bottom eruption and were left behind by accident by the Shitter, as the elusive creature has always disappeared in the past, only leaving behind a steaming turd mountain as evidence of its visit.
One shitter expert, again, requesting anonymity told the Daily:
“It’s been a few years since this spawn of hell last put in an appearance, and it’s interesting that it’s made its return around Halloween. We’ve been left a bit perplexed by the leaving of the boxers though, as all previous evidence has indicated that the Shitter has always gone “commando”, so there’s a possibility that this is an imposter masquerading as the Shitter to just scare the locals.”
Local football hero, Ricardo Wearadona, fresh from scoring a hat trick against a load of kids in wheelchairs at The Mattress, contacted the Daily and had the following to say:
“I’ve seen panic before in the Royal, but not this sort of panic, I mean this was different level! Once the regulars realised the Shitter might be back, they couldn’t down their pints quick enough to get the fuck out of Dodge. I stood my ground though as I’m pretty fearless and at the end of the day, I’ve been in that toilet when it’s been in a much worse state. At one point the fucking pub door was just blocked with bodies and I’m amazed no one got killed, but thankfully, everyone got out and headed to the Lin Wah to buy a different sort of shit. It’d be quite amusing if the Shitter is back, the village has been a bit quite since that bloke with a malteser for a head closed the Time Portal between the two rooms at the pub and a punter managed to murder Don McLean’s “American Pie” to such an extent that Don himself contacted the pub to say THAT was the day the music died.”
Rodrigo Greenez, rumoured to be the Roman soldier that speared the side of Jesus whilst on the cross, had this to say to the Daily:
“I don’t see what all the fuss is about. This village has seen a lot worse than this stupidity. It’s probably someone who had a dodgy curry and decided to play a game of shitbox stick or twist, and called it wrongly, resulting in a near death experience for the poor fucker in the bog in the Royal. I’ll tell you what’s more terrifying, those lefty woke lot, running round the village preaching equality and socialism, the Stalinist cocksucking shmuckos! In Nigel we trust! Vote Nigel, he’s going to sink all those bastards in boats trying to cross Doe Park from Thornton. Keep the fuckers out I say! Once we get those bastards stopped we can go back to blaming the real culprits for the country’s economic woes: single mothers who just got knocked up so they could get a flat in Fairweather Green. They’re the ones we need to sort out! This Phantom Shitter’s just a load of nonsense made up by some local idiot with nothing better to do than be an idiot.”
Mr Greenez then shuffled off muttering about having run the Kray Twins out of Blackpool and if anyone knew who had the “shit”. We think he was referring to marijuana, but don’t quote us.
What is certain is that villagers are cowering in their homes, praying to the Deer God that the Shitter isn’t back as the nights draw in.
More as we get more………
“Time traveller? Seriously? Good God man, have the villagers finally got their hands on some grade A “Blow”, not the usual shit cut with Ajax that leaves your inner nose looking as if you’ve had a cheese grater up there for half an hour on max speed? Fcuking Time Traveller Shmime Babbeler. It’s a Banksy, we all know it. It’s controversial, it’s current and it’s in our village! We should be making a meal out of this! Far too long have tourists bypassed out great village to go visit Haworth. I mean, what’s that about? A load of writers who died hundreds of years ago, who wrote, let’s be honest, tripe. Hardly like your noble publication, a hard hitting, truth telling piece of enlightenment in a very dark world.”
The good folk of Greater Denholme, woke this morning to confusion when a rumour flew around that none other than the famous American actor, Richard Gear was living somewhere in the village.
To the left is the only know surviving etching of Sir Rod as he came ashore in 1066, swearing to slaughter all the “English Cock Sucking Shmuckos”. According to the Domesday Book, Sir Rod did do this for an hour or two, and was then seen galloping north shouting about “Finding the shit!”. As his reward, King William gave Sir Rod the lands of Denholme and Cullingworth, although he subsequently lost Cullingworth in a game of Buckaroo to Sir Mongy of Manywells. Sir Rod swore that day never to rest till he reclaimed his lands. 
The Denholme Daily 