Tag Archives: drugs

The day the cricket died…

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The village was today in mourning after the Denholme Cricket Club First Team made utter arses of themselves against a much better CrossBatts side down at the UKAR Arena. In a must win game, the Denholme lads came up short. Well, we say came up short but in reality, had their whites removed whilst freshly lubed bat handles were rammed relentlessly up their arses.

The hosts sets off at a right pace, as Byrong Hudson, the Denholme “Wicket” machine proceeded to bowl like a malfunctioning chocolate bar dispenser, spraying the ball over the place. His partner in crime, Hatty “The Economy” Gear didn’t fare much better as Batts raced to a decent early start. However, having consulted some runes, the DCC captain took the feckless pair off and brought on the real bowlers, who dismantled the Batts batting, taking their wickets for 94 runs, leaving the DCC lads a pisspot total of 164 to win. Gear, to be fair, returned at the end to wipe out the shitter Batts batters, almost taking a hat-trick but bottling it as per usual.

A DCC player going for the wrong ball, as per usual

This is where it all starts to go wrong, as far as our match report goes, as no one has had the knackers to post the scorecard anywhere. So, we’ll tell you what we heard happened: The Denholme lads were smashing it, racing to 117-0 when a shadowy figure was seen approaching one of the DCC players with a suspect bag of cash in his hand. The figure then left, the to remain nameless player was seen discussing something with the DCC side, and they then lost all their wickets for 0 runs. Finishing on a pathetic 117 all out.

This led to emotional scenes from the CrossBatts lads, who performed the Hakka in front of their adoring crowd. The Batts stand in skipper (more on that later), told the Daily:

Honestly, we’re made up. All we have heard all week is how the DCC mongos were going to pile down from on high like Genghis Khan on a bag of Ket. What turns up? A load of spineless showponies. Honestly, we could have sent our U12s out and they’d have beaten this lot. Yeah yeah, we heard about the possible bung taking, but if they threw the match so what? Look in the book, CrossBatts 3 points, Losers from Denholme 0 points.


The Batts lads celebrating

The village High Chieftains were today locked in an emergency meeting, whilst they decide what to do with the DCC lads. In the past, they’d have been placed in the Wicker Deer and torched but there’s a temporary ban on that after Rick Glenry, chief torcher, mistakenly torched a busload of Japanese tourists who’d stopped to do the “Phantom Shitter Tour”. It would seem that exile to Cullingworth is likely, probably with no return date. Personally, we’d be building our own deer and getting Glenry to do us a favour than go live in that shithole. 2nd team legend Shield Mincer, a bowling great, something Gear and Hudson will never be, contacted the Daily to say:

This lot want lining up and shooting. Going down there and doing that? Like that? They can all fcuk off. First team? Fcuk off. I’ve seen lads wander across minefields after a fuckload of Rohypnol have more success than this shower of shite. Fcuk them. Fcuk them all. I’m off to Mexico now to let whales look at me. Fcuking nobheads.

We think he meant the “cricketers”, not the whales.

Bangladeshi batting legend Flashin Fuckvulcan tweeted about the defeat from his personal posting zone on popular social media site Tw@tter earlier, having heard about the monumental defeat. Flashin’s tweet is below

More as we get more…

Village saved!!!

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The aid landing on The Mattress

Despite being requested to stay indoors and social distance, the good folk of Denholme were partying like it was 1999 last night as the first of the promised Government aid finally arrived at the Mechanics Institute. The people took to the streets in their droves as the first helicopter shipments began to land on the Mattress, the part of the park where Denholme United get a royal fcuking every two weeks. The village has found itself caught up in the biggest crisis to hit the village since the Black Bull shut. That crisis being NCV2020. “NoCocaVirus2020”. As the rest of the planet has desperately battled the Covid-19 thing sweeping all before it, Denholme has had to face something much more serious. The cocaine in the village has dried up.

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The distress signal spotted by the Colombian satellite

Luckily for the village however, the distress signal some winner placed up on the Fairy Rings was spotted by a passing satellite, and the Government was quick to answer the call for help. Luckily, the satellite was Colombian and Bogota was quick to get its arse into gear. Upon receiving the satellite image, the boys in South America swung into action, sending their entire helicopter fleet halfway round the globe to help its biggest export region bar none. A Colombian Government spoken known only as “Pablo E.”, emailed the Daily earlier today, telling us the following:

“These are bad times in which we as a race find ourselves, and we must come together as a species to get through this together. Whether it be PPE for the BRI or GEAR to DENHOLME, we, the Colombian people will answer any call for help. We have more money than any other country on the planet, and if we could just find where that crafty cnut from Medellin hid it all, we could end poverty. Like that singer once promised he would. More chance of that dog biscuit Bonio ending poverty if you ask me. Anyway, we will always answer the call for Coca. Denholme has always had it on tick, but they usually pay on time.”

Village football legend Ron Hudson Jr. told the Daily via a message sent by carrier pigeon the following:

god

“Pablo E.”

“Firstly, let me say, DUFC have had a right run of late. Principally because we haven’t played, so our record is ace as we haven’t been fcuked on the Mattress in forever. Anyway, back to business. God bless Colombia, that’s what I say. Although not a partaker of the Medellin Marching Powder myself, I have felt for my fellow villagers as I have walked amongst them the way Jesus walked amongst lepers, the anguish and despair on their faces has been plain for all to see. I have seen half crazed loons buying bags of flour, running out of the Coop like Charlie when he gets a golden ticket. (No pun intended). The daft cnuts have probably done a fat line, washed their

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Foster Park Grove last week.

hooters, fallen asleep with the heating on full blast to wake up with bread growing out of their nostrils. I myself came up with a plan once the bog roll ran dry, I just double drop Imodium every morning and I haven’t needed a crap since the 17th of March. All I can say is, Viva Colombia, Viva el Pueblo, Viva la Revolucion!”. There is a rumour also doing the rounds that Mr Hudson Jr. only drinks in the Con Club as he’s a spy for Mini Creations.

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Mr Ganagan earlier.

Village crooner Fly Ganagan also contacted the Daily and had the following to say: “Fly like a butterfly, sting like a bee, it’s me ya mad fcukers, Fly Fly G. Alright r kid, mad fer it. Ya seen r kid Noel, the fookin lemon.” Mr Ganagan then did a peace sign, zipped his stupid submarine collar up even further than usual, rattled his tambourine, called a few people shweetheart and walked off.

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Zapatistas

The Colombian aid package is now under lock and key and it is being guarded by the DLF (Denholme Liberation Front), until it can be got out to the areas of the village hardest hit by the Coca shortage. The Denholme Liberation Front are a sort of shit version of Al Qaeda, who think they’re going to bring armed revolution to the village armed with a Super Soaker, a bag of gear and a couple of air bombs. To be fair though, when four men walked off into the Chiapas rainforest and emerged ten thousand strong, calling themselves Zapatistas, people weren’t laughing for long.

Breaking news:

The Daily has just been contacted by the UK Government and asked to help put a stop to few rumours doing the rounds, so we will do our best to clear them up:

  1. Man did not go to the moon, it was done in a studio somewhere.
  2. Rick Glenry is probably the hardest man in Denholme. Probably.
  3. Hitler didn’t die in Berlin in 45. He ended up living in Denholme, calling himself Rod. To this very day he still evades all attempts to capture him and even The Grim Reaper himself.
  4. The Corona Virus was not started in Cullingworth to try destroy Denholme

On a more serious note; well, more serious than our hard hitting reportage, stay safe out there people, more people will probably die of stupidity than Covid-19.

More as we get more…