The good folk of Greater Denholme, woke this morning to confusion when a rumour flew around that none other than the famous American actor, Richard Gear was living somewhere in the village.

This isn’t the first time, however, that the great village of Upper Denholme has had famous people living here, or looking to live here, as village historian Richard Emember told the Daily via a piece of string and two plastic cups. (Yes we know, plastic ought to be phased out, but paper cups just don’t work as well so fuck off, alright?). R.Emember told us earlier: “Yes, it’s true, a lot of famous people have desired to live here, then for some reason or other changed there mind. James Bond legend Todger Score was once seen perusing Whiteshaw’s but chose to buy a maisonette in Belle Dean for some unknown reason. Also, the bloke who plays Pollard on Emmerdale was once seen buying ten B&H and a packet of rizlas in the Co-op. Some old British wrestler used to come from here, it might have been that Irish one, Big Paddy, but I’m not too sure. Let me get back to you on that. And, lest we forget, Denholme has its own celebrity in the last living survivor of the Battle of Hastings, Sir Rod of Green Gables

To the left is the only know surviving etching of Sir Rod as he came ashore in 1066, swearing to slaughter all the “English Cock Sucking Shmuckos”. According to the Domesday Book, Sir Rod did do this for an hour or two, and was then seen galloping north shouting about “Finding the shit!”. As his reward, King William gave Sir Rod the lands of Denholme and Cullingworth, although he subsequently lost Cullingworth in a game of Buckaroo to Sir Mongy of Manywells. Sir Rod swore that day never to rest till he reclaimed his lands.

Another village super hero, Fly Ganagan (seen offering the people behind the hot dog stand out for a fight at the Gala in the photo on the left), also felt the need to wade into the debate from his lovepad in Wilsden, telling the Daily the following:

“Alright ya nipples, ow ar ya? Mad fer it, mad ferret, ar kid. Ere, yoo sees that Albarn? Blur? Blur? Shmurr fur cur durrrr. Me an our Noel, weez gun kick his ed in we are cos we are Moss Side man. Mad fer it.”

Mr Ganagan then half waddled, half crab danced into the Coop, telling people to stop crying their hearts out and that some mght say. At this point he became unintelligible although a passer by was heard to say “Some might say he’s a proper twat”.

Rick Glenry, now retired from illegal dog fighting, having contracted rabies, which unlike some current modern day illnesses actually does exist, also had the following to say:

“Well, some of the locals will be chuffed if there’s finally some gear in the village, look at all their miserable faces! These government restrictions on Colombian imports are killing us, although some are happy that man love has been decriminalised for a while. But yeah, if Gear’s here, people will be made up. Providing it’s the right sort. If it’s that half decent actor bloke, well, people won’t be quite as excited.”

It is true that man love has been temporarily decriminalised but only so long as people use the new app the High Chiefs just rolled out, the Bum and Trace app. Basically, if you indulge in any act of bum penetration, you have to log it with the app. This will allown the Chiefs to do two things:

1. To identify “Bot spots” in the village, where men met to indulge in the unholiest of unholies (The Chiefs’ words, not ous).
2. To easily hunt any enjoyers of forbidden fruits down after the act is made illegal again.

So, if you’re a hotty for botty, we advise you to steer clear of this app.

Latest figures show a huge downloading of the app, but weirdly they all live in Cullingworth.

More as we get more…

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

. This just in. A photo has emerged of none other than Richard Gear meeting the people who own and run the Lin Wah takeaway on Station Rd.

So for once, we actually got something right!!!

Our work here is done,