The good people of Denholme were tonight cracking open the Skol Extra Strength 1080, smoking a hell of a lot of weed and probably doing that much sniff that the Colombian economy just shot out of recession faster than that bloke ran into the Coop when his goat started eating all the fresh veg.
Initially it was believed that Adidas had decided to bring out a six toed version of the Gazelle, allowing the good locals to pretend they were 80’s Scally Soccer Casuals. However, the Daily has discovered that it isn’t fashion that’s got them all jizzing in their imitation Emporio Armanis but the earth shattering news that the greatest band ever to play in the Black Bull (RIP), “The Four Clowns” were reforming to terrorise any poor soul that came within earshot of their music.
The Four Clowns began their career in the early 2000s and built up a decent following of drug addled fans, who, it is said, had to be off their tits to listen to them, but once you’re high as a kite, the death groans of a Wildebeest are something you can usually get your groove on to, so The Clowns were always onto a winner. They almost got a slot at Bingley Music Live but thankfully due to some bent voting at a Battle of the Bands thing in Shipley, they were denied this opportunity and Bingley was able to breathe a sigh of relief. Once they realised that they weren’t going to play anything bigger than the bandstand, their charismatic front man and professional dog wrestler, Rick Glenry, left the band citing artistic differences. At the time he told the Daily that the others were serious musicians and he just wanted to pretend he was Liam Gallagher. This in itself was controversial, as the village already has an LG wannabe in Fly Ganagan. Glenry then embarked on a relatively successful solo career until, due to personal issues, such as shit fences and garage rooves, he sank without a trace, not even getting a slot at this year’s CricFest, although rumours did circulate that he was pondering a one man show in the bus stop near the Fleece in Cullingworth. The other clowns carried on and played a load of half decent gigs until they also decided to call it a day. UNTIL NOW.
Late last night, Glenry took to social media with a load of cryptic messages for his 8 followers, saying “I never liked the word useless” and then adding “26/08/24, the day the earth stood still”. And then at lunchtime today, smoke signals were seen coming from the park, and when translated were understood to say “The Clowns are back in Town”.
The internet in the village immediately imploded, as it’s still based on 14.4k dial up technology and redefines the word “slow”, as the loyal fanbase of the Clowns all packed in PornHub for a bit whilst they searched the net for the views of their heroes’ return.
The local social media site for the village, “FaceAche”, was awash with posts from the excited fans with posts like these:
“Not been this excited since the Feds dropped all charges against me.”
“The last time I was this happy was when I realised that I hadn’t been burgled at all and had sold all my worldly possessions for a huge bag of piss poor Colombian Talc.”
Local Liam G wannabe, Fly Ganagan, contacted the Daily and had the following to say:
“Mad fer it are kid! I AM FOOKIN MAD FER IT! I always said the Clowns were too good to call it a day and as per everything I open me mouth about, I was right, ya set of fcukin lemons. I can dust off me Stone Island sweaters and get me Helly Hansen coat out after all these years, and I can go do some karaoke whilst standing there with me hands behind me back singing “All Around the World” then doing a few Robbie Williams covers. I’ll then have a few shandies and get into a punch up with me sen and anyone in a Blur T-shirt. This has cheered me up, and have I needed it. Ever since Murgen Sock said he was leaving the ‘Pool I’ve been proper down but I won’t look back in anger, this news is FCUKIN SUPERSONIC!” Fly then said he had to go as he needed to go down the Coop for his Mam and do some gurning through the window at all and sundry.
Not all the locals however seem, happy at the news, and one of the Daily’s heroic journalists was accosted by an irate villager walking her dog in the park earlier who had this to say:
“Music? Fcuking music? Are you kidding me? This lot’s idea of what constitutes music is a joke, pal. I’ve heard more rhythm and talent coming out of a tumble dryer you left 50p in because you didn’t check your pockets. CHRIST ALL FCUKING MIGHTY, it’s just noise. I’d rather sit next to some prick drilling yet more roadworks on the Main Rd just to guarantee their budget for next year than endure this utter fcuking drivel. And as for the Fly Ganagan character, he ought to know better. He’s never got over the fact that Blur handed Oasis their arses to them back in 1995 and he’s been bitter ever since. Strutting round giving it all that neck out bollocks and gurning. Grow up lad, you’re almost 50. Want me to tell you what music is do ya? DO YA? I’ll tell ya whether you want to know or not, and you better report me words or I’ll find ya, ya bastard. Music? PERRY COMO, that’s music. Music’s never been the same since Perry died.”
We at the Daily however feel that the lady’s dog ought to have the last word, as it also felt the need to comment on the announcement that The Four Clowns are back in the Big Top and this time they mean business. As they say, a picture speaks a thousand words.
More as we get more…
“Time traveller? Seriously? Good God man, have the villagers finally got their hands on some grade A “Blow”, not the usual shit cut with Ajax that leaves your inner nose looking as if you’ve had a cheese grater up there for half an hour on max speed? Fcuking Time Traveller Shmime Babbeler. It’s a Banksy, we all know it. It’s controversial, it’s current and it’s in our village! We should be making a meal out of this! Far too long have tourists bypassed out great village to go visit Haworth. I mean, what’s that about? A load of writers who died hundreds of years ago, who wrote, let’s be honest, tripe. Hardly like your noble publication, a hard hitting, truth telling piece of enlightenment in a very dark world.”
The good folk of Greater Denholme, woke this morning to confusion when a rumour flew around that none other than the famous American actor, Richard Gear was living somewhere in the village.
To the left is the only know surviving etching of Sir Rod as he came ashore in 1066, swearing to slaughter all the “English Cock Sucking Shmuckos”. According to the Domesday Book, Sir Rod did do this for an hour or two, and was then seen galloping north shouting about “Finding the shit!”. As his reward, King William gave Sir Rod the lands of Denholme and Cullingworth, although he subsequently lost Cullingworth in a game of Buckaroo to Sir Mongy of Manywells. Sir Rod swore that day never to rest till he reclaimed his lands. 
The Denholme Daily 