The village was today in mourning after the Denholme Cricket Club First Team made utter arses of themselves against a much better CrossBatts side down at the UKAR Arena. In a must win game, the Denholme lads came up short. Well, we say came up short but in reality, had their whites removed whilst freshly lubed bat handles were rammed relentlessly up their arses.
The hosts sets off at a right pace, as Byrong Hudson, the Denholme “Wicket” machine proceeded to bowl like a malfunctioning chocolate bar dispenser, spraying the ball over the place. His partner in crime, Hatty “The Economy” Gear didn’t fare much better as Batts raced to a decent early start. However, having consulted some runes, the DCC captain took the feckless pair off and brought on the real bowlers, who dismantled the Batts batting, taking their wickets for 94 runs, leaving the DCC lads a pisspot total of 164 to win. Gear, to be fair, returned at the end to wipe out the shitter Batts batters, almost taking a hat-trick but bottling it as per usual.
This is where it all starts to go wrong, as far as our match report goes, as no one has had the knackers to post the scorecard anywhere. So, we’ll tell you what we heard happened: The Denholme lads were smashing it, racing to 117-0 when a shadowy figure was seen approaching one of the DCC players with a suspect bag of cash in his hand. The figure then left, the to remain nameless player was seen discussing something with the DCC side, and they then lost all their wickets for 0 runs. Finishing on a pathetic 117 all out.
This led to emotional scenes from the CrossBatts lads, who performed the Hakka in front of their adoring crowd. The Batts stand in skipper (more on that later), told the Daily:
Honestly, we’re made up. All we have heard all week is how the DCC mongos were going to pile down from on high like Genghis Khan on a bag of Ket. What turns up? A load of spineless showponies. Honestly, we could have sent our U12s out and they’d have beaten this lot. Yeah yeah, we heard about the possible bung taking, but if they threw the match so what? Look in the book, CrossBatts 3 points, Losers from Denholme 0 points.
The village High Chieftains were today locked in an emergency meeting, whilst they decide what to do with the DCC lads. In the past, they’d have been placed in the Wicker Deer and torched but there’s a temporary ban on that after Rick Glenry, chief torcher, mistakenly torched a busload of Japanese tourists who’d stopped to do the “Phantom Shitter Tour”. It would seem that exile to Cullingworth is likely, probably with no return date. Personally, we’d be building our own deer and getting Glenry to do us a favour than go live in that shithole. 2nd team legend Shield Mincer, a bowling great, something Gear and Hudson will never be, contacted the Daily to say:
This lot want lining up and shooting. Going down there and doing that? Like that? They can all fcuk off. First team? Fcuk off. I’ve seen lads wander across minefields after a fuckload of Rohypnol have more success than this shower of shite. Fcuk them. Fcuk them all. I’m off to Mexico now to let whales look at me. Fcuking nobheads.
We think he meant the “cricketers”, not the whales.
Bangladeshi batting legend Flashin Fuckvulcan tweeted about the defeat from his personal posting zone on popular social media site Tw@tter earlier, having heard about the monumental defeat. Flashin’s tweet is below
More as we get more…
“Time traveller? Seriously? Good God man, have the villagers finally got their hands on some grade A “Blow”, not the usual shit cut with Ajax that leaves your inner nose looking as if you’ve had a cheese grater up there for half an hour on max speed? Fcuking Time Traveller Shmime Babbeler. It’s a Banksy, we all know it. It’s controversial, it’s current and it’s in our village! We should be making a meal out of this! Far too long have tourists bypassed out great village to go visit Haworth. I mean, what’s that about? A load of writers who died hundreds of years ago, who wrote, let’s be honest, tripe. Hardly like your noble publication, a hard hitting, truth telling piece of enlightenment in a very dark world.”
The Denholme Daily 